MH and I take our take our daily ride. It was more silent than usual. Although we were no more than three feet apart, our minds were thousands of miles apart. This was not normal. We usually talk about what we are thinking, but lately it seems as if we are distant and disconnected. But I still love him, and always will.
I watched the little colors dance around in the sky. The yellow miniature fireworks and the static was everywhere.
I have reached a milestone, in my opinion, I am one step closer to accepting what has happened.
We pulled in the driveway, and he unlocks the door then kisses me on the cheek. I get out and he pulls away.
I notice that my neighbors have a few friends over and I heard Eoto’s voice in the back of my mind. Go over there.
The leaves started to shake as the wind blew a little harder.
I opened my door and yelled for my mom. I asked if I could go over to M’s house. She hesitated then agreed.
I walked over wondering to myself why I was really going over there. Sometimes I could not even tell what my motives were. With each step my uncertainty grows. I knew I would see M, but the voices in my head pushed me forward, telling me that there was something that needed to be done.
I knocked on the door, then let myself in. After all the shit I went through with their son, his mom and dad still considered me as a daughter, and I loved them for that. I had a deep bond with M’s little brother and sister; they were the siblings I always wished I had.
His little brother was not home, and his little sister had her friend over. Why the hell was I here?
Go to M’s room. This was not Eoto’s voice, it was someone else’s. It was an anonymous voice instructing me on how to live my life. I can not figure out why I decided to listen.
“Why can’t I just play with his little sister?” I questioned the no name voice.
Trust me. Then silence. I probably would not hear from anonymous for the rest of the night. I decided to obey.
Gunshots. Screaming. What was I walking into? The classic teenage boy’s room, complete with the violent video games.
I was walking into the same room I got raped in.
I sat down next to Alex, M’s best friend.
I sat down on the same bed I got raped on. Honestly, if I wasn’t on all of my medicine, I doubt I would have been able to handle this situation.
Baby girl, just act like you were friends. Back before you remembered what had happened. Something good will come out of tonight if you just cooperate. I was not too convinced, but I try to always listen to Eoto, because he is usually right.
“Hey Jane,” M said. He seemed surprised to see me. His voice got a lot deeper since the last time I talked to him.
“Hi,” I said timidly. I poked Alex on the shoulder, “No hello?”
“Long time, no see,” he said. His voice got a little deeper too. It made me wonder if my voice had changed at all.
“Do you guys still hate me,” I asked, a little scared of the answer.
“Nope,” Alex said.
“Honestly, I never hated you,” M said. He almost sounded concerned that I would ask such a question.
“Balls!” Alex yelled. He must have died in the game or something. His voice may have gotten more mature, but I could already tell that he was the same old Alex.
“You’re so immature man,” M said as he threw a piece of paper on the floor.
“You haven’t changed a bit,” I added.
He chuckled a little bit, then looked at me, “I’m not mature at all, and I take pride in it.”
I do not know why, but I found that statement funny at the time, so I joined in his laughter, and M did too. We must have all felt really awkward at the time.
They continued to play their game, and we all submersed in a bunch of small talk. “How’s school?” “How’s life?” “Do you still hate Jesus?”
None of their answers or questions really stood out to me. The only thing that kept running through my head was, “Why in hell am I here?”
Eventually I started to take notice of something, each time Alex jokingly made fun of me, M would defend me. I could not figure out why he would do that.
M seemed different. Everything about him was different. He was nicer, more mature and a lot calmer than he used to be.
I stopped myself.
How could I possibly think all these nice things about the person who raped me? It was no one time thing, this was a big deal. It happened more times than I can remember.
People change, Eoto said. Immediately after I heard the words in my head I relaxed. Slowly my muscles loosened and I became comfortable with my surroundings.
Not much happened after that. Eventually my mother called and told me I had to come home. I said my goodbyes and walked down the street to my house. I carried with me a sense of inner peace I have never felt before.
“Hi Honey,” my mother greeted me as I walked in the front door. She sat with her legs curled under herself on the brown leather couch. “Come sit with me.”
I sat on the other end of the couch with my legs stretched out and resting on my mother’s lap. “You know what Mom, I think I had an epiphany tonight.” I was not even sure if I used the words right.
“Oh really an epiphany?” She said, mocking my choice of words.
“I’m being serious. I realized that people change, and sometimes its better to forgive them dwell on the past,” I said.
“Well honey that’s really good, I am happy you realized that,” She knew what I was talking about. I could not exactly tell if she approved or not. But it did not really matter to me. I was starting to find my inner peace.
Baby girl. Eoto’s voice in the back of my head again. He was proud of me, and those two words were his way of showing it.
It was not more than three days later that I got an unexpected call from Alex.
“Hello,” I answered, expecting it to be a butt-dial.
“Hey Jane, what’s up?” Alex asked.
“Not much. What about you?”
“I’m bored, you should come over M’s house,” he said.
“Me? Really? Why?” His request was shocking to me for some reason. I was not prepared for such a question. The three of us had not hung out in close to a year, and after a half an hour of sitting together, they want me to hang out again. This was weird.
“Because it would be better if you were here,” he said, as if it was a known fact.
I yelled to my mom, who was in the kitchen, if I had permission to go. She agreed. “Alright be there in a few minutes,” I said into the phone.
The line went dead and I quickly put some shoes on, then ran out the front door. For some reason I was really excited about this.
I walked into the house, and again I found the two boys still playing video games. When I sat down on the bed, they shut the game off and looked at me.
“What do you want to do?” M asked.
“How about we go to Elk’s Park, I haven’t been there in forever. Oh my God that would be so fun!” I said kind of delighted.
“Alright,” Alex said.
“Sounds good to me,” M agreed.
I smiled like a little kid in a candy shop. I was so excited over this. I have not been social with people my age out of school ever since I got expelled. So basically, this was an all new experience to me.
I sent my mom a quick text and she gave me permission to go.
I had to borrow one of M’s bike because mine had a flat tire. I got to use his little brother’s green Next bike. It has no brakes and the handlebars are a little crooked. I felt stupid when I first tried to ride it because I almost fell over.
“You haven’t ridden a bike in a long time, have you Jane?” Alex asked, he seemed pretty amused.
“Yeah, it’s been a while. I must look like an idiot,” I replied.
Alex laughed and M just nodded and smiled.
They say you never forget how to ride a bike, and I guess they are right because after a few more lame tries I got the hang of it again.
We took a turn down a street I did not recognize. The three of us stopped at a worn out house with nobody home.
“What are we doing here?” I asked, truly confused.
“We are getting our friend Pez,” M answered as Alex knocked on the door.
“Hold on I’ll be a minute,” A voice called from the inside of the house.
Well the kid took much longer than a minute. Five minutes went by and my ass was starting to hurt from the bike seat. I took the lighter out the lighter I had in my bra and started to play with the flame.
“You still smoke?” M asked me.
“Yeah, not too much. I mean, probably no more than five or six a day,” I replied.
“That’s disgusting. How do you even get that many?” Alex added.
“I know a girl,” I said.
A kid with a basketball came walking down the street.
“Hey Josh!” Alex and M called out to him. He waved and started to head in our direction.
“Was he on our bus?” I asked M. He looked familiar from when I used to go to public school.
“Yep,” he told me.
The boys chatted for a few minutes and then Josh told us he was going to go change and meet us at the park.
A few minutes later Pez finally came out of his house. Nobody introduced the two of us so I felt a little awkward as we made our way to the park.
We were all standing by the restrooms at our neighborhood’s ghetto little park as I got to know Pez. He seemed nice, not too goody-goody and not to much of a badass, and I liked his afro. A little while later that boy Josh came to hang out with us.
I heard some people talking about a drug deal nearby, and I realize it was a kid that used to go to alternative school with me. His name was also Josh. When he was done getting the “stuff” from his dealer he walked over to us with a cigarette in his hand. He started talking to us, and gave us nicknames for some reason. He looked high as hell and he laughed for no reason. He also had another boy with him. I never found out what his name was though.
So the whole group of us walked down to the little deck at the park. Josh smoked his whole cigarette so him and the other boy went to go get another.
When he came back I asked him for a drag and he handed it over.
M, Alex, Pez and the little Josh started their own conversation, and seemed to be oblivious to ours.
“So you smoke?” He asked me, looking a bit surprised.
“Yeah I have been for about a year,” I answered. It was true, I picked up the bad habit in 7th grade.
“And how old are you?” He asked as he checked over my whole body.
“Fourteen,” I said slowly.
“You’re a bit young to be smoking, don’t you think?” He asked me.
I shook my head no as I took another drag.
“Didn’t you say you were only gonna take one drag, that’s your third one,” He said with a little smirk.
I handed it back and said sorry.
“That’s alright. You’re a cute little thing,” He said as he ran his hands over my waist then my hips. I just stood there like an idiot, not quite sure what to do. I muttered a quick thank you and gave a nervous smile.
Josh’s friend was sitting next to me and grabbed my hand, “You wanna come home with me tonight?” He asked with exaggerated puppy eyes.
“Not really,” I said, “I don’t even know your name and I’m not a whore.”
“Do you have a boyfriend,” he asked.
“No,” I said quickly, then immediately regretted it. I should have just said yes.
“Then how does that make you a whore if you fuck me?” He asked. I just shrugged my shoulders. “Are you a virgin babe?”
“Yeah, and as of right now I’m going to keep it that way for a while,” I said.
He just looked at me for a minute, “Have you ever touched a dick before?”
“Yeah…” I said slowly.
“Then jack me off right now,” he pleaded.
I chuckled a little bit, “Right here? No way.”
I looked to Josh for back up, I am not sure why I even expected him to help. “Blow me babe,” he said, “It’s only fair, I gave you some drags off my cigarette.”
“Really?” I said sarcastically, “You expect me to give you a blowjob for three drags of a fucking cigarette. You’re funny.”
“Then touch my dick, that won’t make you a whore,” He said as he grabbed his balls through his pants.
I just looked at him, “Really, you’re kidding right?”
I started to walk away, like I should have done a long time ago. They blocked me in, “You’re just gonna dip like that babe?” Josh asked with an amused smile.
“Well, um,” I hesitated. “You guys make me feel a bit awkward.”
“How do we do that?” He asked as he ran another hand down my side, the other boy just grabbed my hand.
I decided to be honest, “Because you guys want me to fuck you, and you’re making it so obvious. It’s really something I don’t want to do.”
They both just stared. I was making myself look like an idiot. They did not care if I felt awkward, they just wanted to get their dick wet.
M finally noticed what was going on and pretended to answer his phone. He called me over telling me that we needed to go home right away. I pushed past Josh and his friend, got on my bike and pedaled as fast as I could.
“You almost got your ass raped,” M said. Hearing him say that word was a little weird, but he was right.
“I know, thank you so much for getting me out of that situation. If it was just Alex there, he probably would have just watched and laughed.” I said. It was true, it seemed as if Alex was still a little mad over whatever I did to him in the past.
“Yeah he can be a jerk,” M agreed.
“Where is he anyways?” We stopped our bikes and looked behind us. Alex was running with his beat up bike towards us. The chain had popped off and he was incapable of fixing it. He was a slow runner and when he got to where me and M were standing he panting like a dog, completely out of breath.
The rest of the way, M had to tow Alex by having him hold his handle bars. They almost fell a couple of times and we laughed over it.
When we got back to our neighborhood we hung out at M’s house for a little while and we talked as they played Call of Duty: Black Ops.
When I went home that day, I felt relieved and I realized a lot of things.
M was not out to hurt me any more, and there was no reason to be scared of him anymore. What happened is over now, people change and it is time to forget about what happened. If it never happened, I would never be who I am today. I had to stop looking at all the negative sides of the situation and try make a positive out of it.
Another thing, there is no way I can ever trust M, but there is no reason to hate him. He did what he did to me for a reason, and that reason is most likely because he was abused as well. It is time to grow up and stop playing the blame game, because not all of my life problems can be attributed to him. It is time for me to take responsibility and not pin it all on him.
It was time to move on.