“Tag! You’re it!” I yelled as I ran away as fast as I could. My little feet stomped on the dying grass of my neighbor’s yard. I took a quick left turn, and hid behind a small trailer.
“I see you!” M exclaimed. He ran over and tapped me on the shoulder, “You’re it!”
“I don’t want to play anymore,” I decided and sat with my back propped against the tire. “What do you want to do now?”
“How about you show me your girl parts?” He said, almost as if it was a normal question. It caught me off guard. I looked at M, he didn’t look like the dangerous people in white vans that my parents warned me about. But this just did not seem right. It just did not seem like something Jesus would do.
“No, I don’t think I’m supposed to do that kinda stuff,” I said half heartedly. When I was little I used to be a follower, but this was not something I wanted to do.
“Come on! Please, I can even show you mine!” He said as he quickly pulled up his shirt and pulled it back down. He did not actually reveal anything, not that I could tell anyways. I wasn’t convinced, but he didn’t let up, pressing the question over and over. “If you don’t do it, I won’t be your friend anymore, I won’t even talk to you.”
I studied him, trying to determine if he was lying. How could my only friend leave me like that. I told him all of my secrets, every detail of my six year life, and he would just leave. I could not let that happen.
“Okay,” I said. I slowly unzipped my jeans, my hands were shaking and my head was spinning with thoughts. I should not be doing this, why, oh why, am I doing this? I pulled my pants down to my knees, then my panties came off.
“Don’t worry I’ll make sure no one will see,” he said standing really close to me. He stared at me, my innocence was slowly slipping. “Let me see more.”
I swallowed hard, and opened my little legs wider. I opened up a door to a million problems when I did that. The knot in the pit of my stomach got a little tighter, the guilt began to creep into my mind. After a few more seconds that seemed like a millennium, we heard our parents calling us. I put my clothes back on and we ran to meet our mothers.
That night I could not get to sleep. The guilty feeling grew and then it was replaced by a dirty feeling. The same feeling I got when I did something wrong and nobody found out about it.
“Please show me again,” he begged sometime that same week.
No, no, no!! the logical half of my brain screamed out to me. I should have listened to myself. But the little girl in me cried for her best friend that she so desperately didn’t want to lose. I chose the path I went down, and I wish I could erase my choice.
I don’t know exactly how long that it was when looking became touching.
He didn’t ask he just did it, his warm fingers ventured to an area they should not have touched for years. The feeling made me jump, it was like nothing I had ever felt before. Then an emotion I never had before flooded through my veins. It was pure pleasure and excitement. I became curious about these new feelings, but at the same time scared. I knew this was wrong. I told him to stop.
He didn’t.
Eventually he started making me touch him. I really did not want to do that. I remember the hesitation I had, but he begged me to do it, not that it is excuse for what I did.
That continued for a week or two, I only went back for the fear of losing my friend was huge, and at this point, M was not hurting me.
Then he went another step in the wrong direction.
“You have to put your private parts on mine,” he said seriously.
“No,” I said. This was definitely not going to happen. No way in hell was I going to let him do that.
“You have to, or I won’t be your friend,” he said. His threat was not enough to convince me that time.
“No that isn’t right,” I said standing my ground.
“I’m going to make you do it, now take your clothes off or I’m gonna hurt you,” I looked at him, studied him. I tried to decipher what his next move would be. He could easily hurt me, he was a boy a year older than me. Next to me he was huge.
His blue eyes returned my stare. I gave in, I do not exactly know why. Honestly the moments when it first took place are blacked out from my memory completely. I do not know if he forced me down or if I did it willingly. I just know it happened.
I laid under his heavy body as he took uneven strokes on top of me. I felt something hard poking at my privates. He forcefully pushed down my shoulders and told me to spread my legs wider. I did.
I wanted to scream, yell, kick, cry. But I couldn’t. I was frozen, completely frozen in place. What he was doing hurt, but felt good at the same time. But this was a bad type of good, one I knew I shouldn’t be feeling.
I don’t remember how long it took him to finish, because it seemed like forever.
Everyday I was forced to go there. The idea of my mother finding out terrified me, and M told me he would tell if I did not keep going over to his house to “play”.
The worst thing that I can remember is the day he made me sixty-nine with him.
“I’m gonna count to three or else I’m going to hurt you,” he threatened. M laid under the covers completely naked, begging for a blowjob. I thought his desires were disgusting and I really did not want to do it. I begged and pleaded for him not to make me do it. But he got what he wanted.
I slowly stripped down my clothes and slipped under the covers with him. He whispered in my ears, “Put it in your mouth.” I felt like I was going to cry but I obeyed his orders.
The heavy blanket covered our dirty little secret.
I laid with my head near his dick, his pants were already off. I hesitated and silently wished I was a thousand miles away. Our bodies were close, and I could feel him breathing heavily. I think he was starting to get mad. “Do it,” he ordered.
I put my tongue on it slowly, then pulled my head back. “It’s wet,” those were my exact words. I wanted to scream. Every part of my mind screamed for me not to do it.
“It’s suppose to be like that, now do it,” He said. I did not argue this time. I was fighting a losing battle.
I put his dick in my mouth, not quite sure what I was suppose to do now. I was scared and nervous.
“Move your tongue around,” I obeyed.
He moaned a little bit as he grabbed my ass and pulled my lower body closer and closer to his mouth. I felt his warm tongue slide in and out of my pussy. I squirmed around uncomfortably. It felt good, but I knew it was wrong. I wanted it to stop.
Honestly, if I told you what happened the rest of that morning, I would be lying. My memory ends there.
This was a daily occurrence, and eventually I became numb to the situation.
The weirdest part of the situation is how we continued to be friends. It seemed like when he was not forcing me to do the terrible things that we were best friends. It was like I could not remember what he was doing. Maybe it was because it happened so often , I started to regard it as normal, instead of bad.