so be the existence of an object.

I feel overwhelmed. I’ve made myself into an object. I have nothing to live for. I don’t have the courage to die.

I feel lonely, unloved, and guilty. I feel guilty because my own actions are to blame for being lonely and unloved. I’m constantly rejected until it’s convieneint – so be the existence of an object.

I feel as though I’ve worked harder and others have it easier. They have more than I do, and I’m resentful. I want to be humble, so I remind myself it’s not a virtue to be hurt by others. It’s not a virtue to hurt myself.

I wish I had their lives. I wish I could be good enough to be liked, or even to be loved. I’m tolerated, and I’m not sure how to be better.

I wish I was pretty. I wish I was wanted.

I wish I didn’t infect others with my pain as a consequence of them getting close to me. I wish I had friends that didn’t take from me. I push those people away though because I feel guilty.

I want to know what it feels like not to hurt.

I want someone to tell me that it will be okay even if it’s not okay. I want them to tell me that they’ll stay even if I never get better.

I want to know what better means. I’ve lost sight of the goal, and I don’t want to live anymore.

I have so many unanswered questions. I still don’t know what I did to deserve this. I don’t know how to prevent it from happening again. I’m scared that this will continue forever.

I hope that one day I have to courage to make this end – or the access to an easy way out. I don’t want it to hurt. I want to feel peace.