How many days have passed
since I saw you?
Does it truly matter?
Your eyes,
and the expression on your face,
have been on the forefront
of my mind
since you’ve created chaos within it.
You looked angry,
perhaps it was the sun
blocking your view of me.
You squinted your eyes,
scrunched your nose,
tilted back your head,
raised your left hand
over your brow,
curled your lips
to one side,
then stopped dead
in your fucking tracks
when you locked eyes with me.
What did you see?
Have you missed me?
Has the thought of me
ever even crossed your mind?
Because the thought of you has never left mine.
I sped up to park and you watched me.
Your eyes followed me the same way
that the thought of you follows me throughout the day.
Once my car door opened,
you were in yours and leaving.
Why did you leave so quickly?
Do you know why you were forced to move?
We were best friends,
why didn’t you say, “hello”?
I could’ve killed you right then.
I could’ve ended the threat
of that moment happening again,
and again.
I could’ve stopped,
I could’ve asked questions,
and learned if you knew
what you did to me.
But instead,
I broke.
I shattered into pieces,
held myself together
just long enough to walk through the door
and say,
“I saw him.”
Then I crumbled to the floor,
in complete hysteria.
I ran from you,
just like when we were little
playing tag.
I grew up to realize
there was no “base”.
I couldn’t run
to your backyard
and put my hands on the trailer
to declare myself immune from your touch.
I have no choice
but to keep running.
If I stop to rest,
then you win.
Maybe you’ve already won.
Maybe the game is already over,
and I just keep on playing
because I can’t let go.
Do you still take pride in your trophy?
Do you still brag
to your friends?
“Yeah, I fucked her when we were little.”
Or have you forgotten
all about me
and the things that we did together?
I’m not sure which would be worse:
your pride in my pain,
or your ignorance to it.
In my version of a perfect world,
you’d be gone.
In a fair world,
you’d be suffering guilt
that amounts to the weight of my pain.
But in this world,
you live a life unaffected
by the events
that destroyed me.