CM,
Alright, so I don’t really know how to say this without coming across as a bitch. I don’t like being asked to do anything sexual, and I absolutely hate being asked for the same thing more than once. I know [km] talked to you about it, and after he did it seemed like it only took you one day to forget. But whatever, it’s okay, I never said anything about it, and instead of being a pussy by having someone else tell you, I should have told you myself.
You don’t own my body, you don’t get special privileges to my body, you’re not entitled to a blowjob just because we are spending time together. Honestly, I’ve felt like an object lately. My recovery is being slowed down by this bullshit, and it is not okay. Seriously, I care about you a lot, and I want to make you happy, but I kind of feel like you don’t respect me when I say no.
When I’m on the darknet, there’s three people that I regularly talk too. [bm], [pt] and [ll]. I ask for a lot of advice regarding our relationship when I’m talking to them. I know you probably think that it’s fucking ridiculous that I talk to complete strangers about us, but it’s better than talking to anyone in real life. I don’t want to spill our business to people that can have a direct effect on our lives.
[bm] asked me if I was scared of you, and it sort of got me thinking… maybe I am. When you ask me over and over again about doing the same thing, it leads me to believe that when I say ,”no” it doesn’t hold much value to you. That’s a scary fucking thought. When is asking over and over going to turn into trying without asking (which you already did once) and when is that going to turn into you not stopping when I say no?
Every night goes the same way. We hangout and are cool for a while, then you do what you can to get me alone, and I end up feeling pressured to do what you want. Do you have any idea how much I hate giving head? One of the reasons I left real school (that my parents don’t know about) was that I was assaulted on my bus ride home.
CL, king douche of the school was someone I talked to on the bus. Well I was drunk throughout the day, as I usually was, and by that time I was pretty much sobered up. we were the only ones left on the bus. Well he flirted with me, and he leaned in and kissed me. One thing led to another, and we were making out. About a minute into it, he unzipped his pants, and pulled out his dick. I said stop, I told him not now, I said please, but no, he took my hand and put it around the shaft of his dick. I was scared. Thinking that we were only a few minutes from my bus stop, I just decided that my best option was to jack him off so he wouldn’t try anything else. Well my plan didn’t work. He asked me if I had ever sucked cock, and I told him no. He asked if I wanted to, and I said no. He asked again, and again I said no. Then I felt a hand on the back of my neck and he pushed me to his dick. I kept my mouth closed and so my lips were just touching the tip, when he tightened his grip he told me to open my mouth, so I did. He pushed my head down until he felt me gagging, picked me back up, stuffed his dick in his pants and changed seats. He didn’t talk to me the rest of the way to the bus stop.
I get flashbacks of that every time you put your hand near my head or neck when I’m giving you a blowjob.
Honestly, that’s only one example of someone who didn’t listen when I said no or stop, most of the people I’ve known for years and trusted. But not including M, that was the worst and scariest of them.
I’ve kept my mouth shut for a long time, but it’s been building up lately. I can’t even tell you how many hours I’ve spent trying to think of a way to tell you all of this, and I’ve cried myself to sleep a lot of nights too.
I feel bad for being a shitty girlfriend, and I feel like when I don’t do what you want, that you think I’m being a shitty girlfriend. when I stop and tell you I’m sorry for being a shitty girlfriend, you don’t disagree with me, you just tell me that it’s fine or that it’s okay.
But I’m going to stop writing now, I feel like I may have an anxiety attack. So uhm, I’m sorry, and I love you, and I want this to work. I know what I think may be irrational, but just remember what I went through. I’m sorry